d's
soap box
Today, i think i like people a little bit more
than i did yesterday. A lot of the times depression is seasonal,
and i know for a fact mine is. I can feel it in my bones.
Be well, gentle spirits. And may happiness find
you when you least expect it. My therapist told me this:
"Your sorrow carves a place for your happiness."
I don't know who said it first, but if its true
i'm gonna have more happiness than i know what to do with. ;-)
i think the earliest memory i have is my parents
fighting. i was standing outside of some trailer house and someone was
throwing books and clothes out the door. my life has always been quite
chaotic it seems. I remember when i was little my parents used to argue
all the time. mostly about my mom screwing around. my dad worked
midnights in the coal mine. he expected my mom to stay home and take care
of his kids. but she didnt. so here we would all be just at home at night
by ourselves. my brother going out raising hell. getting into trouble.
eventually he ended up in a home for delinquents. out of all my siblings
he was always my favorite. i remember rushing home from school so i could
see him before he left. but i was too late. i cried so hard. i loved my
brother alot. i used to want to do everything my brother did, i totally
idolized him. so it was my big idea that i wanted to dip Skoal like he
did. so he filled this bowl full of water, threw a little tobacco in and
told me it was just something you had to go through before you could get
to the hardcore dipping. i decided it just wasnt worth it. :)
i have 2 sisters one older than me and one younger,
and only one brother. we're not very close. i wish it could be different,
but we are all so distrustful of each other. *shrug* i love them though.
My older sister, Tisha, hates me. well, if she doesn't she sure acts like
she does. and i believe my younger sister loves me. we used to fight all
the time about the tiniest of things, but i think siblings just do that.
there were probably several times that me and my sister came close to killing
each other. but we survived ;)
ok... i'm kind of getting side tracked i want to
tell everything in order. so that i won't leave anything out.
when i was little i lived in this little shack up
on a hill. sure, we had running water, but the bathroom was an outhouse.
and in the winter the bathroom was a 5 gallon bucket. people say i shouldn't
remember things so far back, but i do. my parents used to fight alot. my
mom used to cheat alot, and my dad just couldnt handle it. he worked nights
in the mines and every morning before we went to school we'd have some
treat that he left there on the table for us. i love my daddy more than
anyone. and i hated my mom for making my daddy go over the edge. people
tell me i'm not really his daughter. they tell me that when i was conceived
my mother was a 1000 miles away from my daddy and when she came home she
was pregnant with me. i asked him once and he cried. i realized then and
there that it just didnt matter. to him i was his daughter and to me he
was my daddy.
i remember my momma trying to leave my daddy several
times. but it always seemed like they would get back together. she always
blamed everything on my daddy, but i remember days when me and my mom would
get dressed up and she would go out and meet some guy. there were many
times when i sat in some guy's living room while listening to my momma
fucking someone who wasn't my daddy in the next room.
it seems like i spent a good deal of my childhood
living in one shack or the other. i remember we lived in one place where
me and my sister and my brother all had to sleep on the same couch. it
was in this abandoned house with no running water, no electricity or anything.
well, we slept on this couch, but we had to get up real early before the
bees in it awakened. it was a strange time. daddy used to build a fire
out front to cook whatever food we could get.
i dont know why we were so poor, but we were. we
would sleep in the car sometimes.
one day, my momma finally left him. we were staying
up at my great grandmother's because we had nowhere else to go. she went
outside to the car to get clothes to put on after we took our bath and
my daddy attacked her. noone was brave enough to go out and help her. i
remember her screaming at him to stop and then i just didnt hear them anymore.
they find her a day or so later...he had left her for dead. but she didn't
die, we eventually moved.
but lemme tell you i have good memories too. i was
always a daddy's girl. and i just loved to spend as much time with my daddy
as possible. i remember this one time i had to go to the Health Dept and
get some kind of immunization shots and they had made me kinda sick. and
daddy carried me in and put me to bed. before he left that afternoon to
go visit friends he came and asked me if i wanted to go with him. and of
course i did. but as soon as we got there i got so sick to my stomach and
started begging to go home, and he never hollered at me. he just took me
right back home and put me to bed.
for me its the little things :)
my daddy delivered me. not in some spiritual sense,
but in the physical sense. the ambulance didn't get there in time. i dont
know if that is the reason i'm my daddy's favorite. but it probably has
something to do with it. and i guess it might also have a little to do
with the reason he's my favorite too.
you know, for as hectic as my life was when i was
alot younger i still believe it was a very good time in my life.
well, like i was saying earlier, we moved several
towns away and my parents became legally separated. i had just started
first grade. my mother was a druggie. she loved to get high. this addiction
of hers brought a guy named Lenny our way. He was such a scumbag. He molested
me and my younger sister. I dont know if my momma knew and turned a blind
eye to it or what. my momma was gone alot. out doing something with him
or whatever. they had this friend named Neil who liked to get high with
them. I was always afraid to go to his house. He always had naked women
on the walls and he had these two great big Dobermans that were always
drooling. I used to dream that they were going to eat me.
i guess i realize this is going to be more of my
online journal than anything else.
i feel so horribly. its hard to find a reason to
get out of bed in the morning. i can think of nothing more difficult. i
used to cling to the notion that there was something better around the
corner. i clung to the idea that life was worth living because i would
somedaybe happy again. well, i no longer feel that. hell, i dont even want
to be alive. what do you do when you have lost the will to live? "find
something to live for" i've been told. but dont these people understand
that there is nothing for me to live for. that the only thing that has
kept me going this long means nothing to me. all i am is this big ball
of pain inside. i hurt i cry. and then i hurt some more. there is no relief
from this pain. am i suicidal? yes, very much so. but in order to commit
suicide you have to die alone. and i dont want to die alone. until i find
a way to die in the prescence of friends without them stopping me then
i'm kind of stuck here. in this poor pitiful existence i call my life.
"suck it up!" people will say. well, i've sucked up all i can. i'm only
23. so young. so tired. i just want to lay down and let it all be over.
but i get scared and i wonder...what if this whole after life thing is
10 million times worse than what i am living now. if i believed in hell
i'd know for sure. but i dont believe in hell. so i just don't know. so
i guess there is one more thing to hold me to this life. but i must ask.
what happens when i believe that this life i live is as hellish as it could
possibly get. will i kill myself then? i dunno. i'm scared. i dont want
to die. but if thats the only way to ease the pain then what choice do
i have. psychiatric help? well, my friends for that you must have money.
what do poor people do when they know they have come to the very edge?
they're not poor enough to receive welfare, thus their medical care is
paid for. and they're not rich enough to afford it out of pocket. so where
do i go? what do i do? who do i turn to?
noone is there.
Some people will find this page and be disgusted.
You will pity me and you will hate me because you think i am just some
simpering whining spoiled brat. and you are all entitled to your own opinions.
all i ask, is that if you know of some way i can receive free or near free
psychiatric help please mail me. i'm on the edge here. no where to go.
and no idea of what to do. this just cant last much longer. i cant deal
with it anymore. if you have any words of advice. hey, i'm willing to listen.
i know i havent lived through everything. i am very young yet and i know
i dont have the answers to everything. so i am open to suggestions and
advice.